Soapbox: Texas Secession

Realistic threat or political whining?

By Ryan Stone

Texas was a failure as a nation.  Not a failure in the way that someone feels when they get 4th Place in the Decathlon; more in the sense that there were Bronze Age city-states with more stability and promise than the fiery 2-mph crash test that was the Republic during its mid-Nineteenth Century heyday. This forces us to ask, over 150 years later, why people like GOP gubernatorial nominee Rick Perry favor another go at an independent Texas and whether or not all the bumper stickers, flags, and buttons that claim to support secession are serious threats or simply symbols of our culture’s failure in some key areas—chief among them, education.

The Republic of Texas lasted ten years.  Its navy never consisted of any more than six ships. Its currency was more worthless than Monopoly money; and Sam Houston, well known for being the idyllic Texas statesman, actually came to Texas as a fugitive after beating a man with a cane in Washington DC.

So why would anyone want to try it again?

“We’ve got a great Union,” says Rick Perry.  “There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that.” Can anyone say “Remember the Alamo?” No matter how much you want to sugarcoat the memory, it’s important to remember that the Alamo, like the Republic, was a historical FUBAR of epic grandiosity; one that zealous Texas historians, badly educated state educators, and traditionalist politicians have managed to turn into an 8.5×11 semi-glossed wall plaque.

But, just like the Republic, there’s no reason in hell you would want to repeat it.  Unless you weren’t literally talking about secession, that is. And I’m totally on board with symbolism as an alternative. It’s hard to imagine that anyone is seriously looking forward to Civil War II, which would be the logical follow-up to any state seceding. Contrary to legend, neither Texas nor any other state reserves the right to jump ship. And while there are a lot of guns and explosives in Texas, the federal government has more guns, better explosives, and a military budget that could buy Texas ten times over during the 2-day shootout that would ensue after any formal declaration of independence.

People know this. When you see a bumper sticker with a big white star that says “Secede,” you know that it’s not literal; thatwhen put in the hot seat and then waterboarded by zealous agents, any good Republic of Texas drummer boy is going to wet his pants faster than you can say “One nation, indivisible.”

The stickers and the rallies are not about changing things. They’re about keeping them the way they are. They’re about maintaining middle and upper class privilege, clear class delineation, money for established families, and a healthy hatred for the poor. They’re about some people that are still proudly racist and who understand that certain ways of thinking and living simply will not last. They’re about maintaining a culture.

Not to say that the growing power of the fed is any better. Freedom is a fragile privilege granted by people with power who can take it away at any time. Secessionists understand this. They simply want to be the ones with the power. The question is whether or not they would be any more capable as national figureheads. But if history, current state politics, and the former President of the United States have taught us anything about traditionalist, conservative Texas politicians it’s that they would almost certainly do a much worse job than federal government they claim to hate.