by Ryan Stone
Statistics show that red light runners are mostly male, under the influence at the time of the infraction, and generally terrible drivers even when they’re not plastered. If a different kind of poll were taken on the subject, those same statistics would also show that red light runners are probably mostly from Bryan-College Station.
In this demographic, full of die-hard patriots and flag-wavers, it’s interesting to see those same republic worshipers turn into amateur anarchists when it comes to driving. Yes, waiting for a green light may be a less glamorous way to save lives than bombing a peasant village, but it’s actually more effective. Saves peasants and Americans.
Unfortunately, the social contract in BCS has been rewritten without any kind of “American” hearing. There were no votes on the matter, just a gradual shift when a lot of people simultaneously decided to enter intersections after their lights had already turned red. So there’s no reason to call everyone together, no sense in holding a referendum to change the matter, since it would be pointless because the actual laws never changed. Democracy herself already deemed green the color of go. Unfortunately, terrorists have taken that from us.
So, how do we stop these freedom haters?
Honk. If the light’s green, go. Lay on your horn. Scare the living piss out of those people. They should be scared.
Cut them off. If someone gets stranded in the middle of the intersection because they turned left ten seconds after their light turned red, it’s not your fault.
Curse. In addition to relieving stress, this is also a great way to try out new words. If the person running the light has kids in the car, they’re bound to learn some colorful new colloquialisms. Education’s been in kind of a slump, anyway.
Be American. You’re probably saying, “Couldn’t I put someone in danger by driving straight at them while honking and cursing?” If someone’s made it dangerous for you to drive on green, they’re destroying America (or planning to). It’s ok to put them in danger. It’s actually legal to break into their houses, depose them, and sell their kids to Wal-Mart. At that point, it may be necessary to explain to everyone in the neighborhood that this was a preemptive strike and that the parents were planning to kill them all.
Know your rights. What’s more interesting to an outsider than this town’s blatant disregard for red is the sheer amount of the meek and lowly that go along with it. Even if red has gone rogue, it still won’t ever usurp green’s position. It will never be legal to drive on red. So, if you’ve been longing for a creative and pyrotechnic way to let off some steam, simply drive when your light turns green. If you happen to survive the giant pileup and resulting mass-dismemberment, you’ll be pleased to find that it was all the fault of the guy that ran the light, no matter how much local custom allows for driving on red. Then, there’s only one truly American step left to take.
Sue. People that love red are communists, and everyone needs to be on the lookout for those. But America’s true color is the green of capitalism. And nothing is more capitalist America than a big, juicy lawsuit taken up by an attorney that calls himself The Hammer or The Slammer or some other hamburger-sounding name. And once Captain Sue has gotten his 60 percent, you’ll be left sitting on a fat pile of Ben Franklins while the commie’s kids are working doubles at McDonald’s to pay for their parent’s new arms.
So, if you’ve ever seen Faces of Death, Two Girls One Cup, or that YouTube video of the soldier kicking a puppy, then you should be well prepared for all of this. There’s nothing more American than war, and that’s just what this is.
It’s time to take back green.