The Love Consultant: Dating and Relationship Advice from Aggieland’s Love Doctor
Dear LC,
My boyfriend told me I was a “clinger” this morning. I got into it with him and I asked him why. He gave me a vague reason, but it came down to how much time we spend together.
We’ve been dating for over a year and the time we spend together hasn‘t changed at all! We even have a schedule: he comes over my place once a week and we cook dinner or watch a movie; I go to his place once a week and we do the same; and we hang out on the weekends every weekend doing everything from road trips to lounging. Really, nothing has changed. But he called me a clinger!
I’ve also noticed that when we do hang out that he seems more and more distant. For example, when we hang out on the weekends and his friends (and mine) are out together, he’s not paying as much attention to me as he used to. And that’s ok–if he’s enjoying the time with our friends, it’s really no big deal. But when I try to get close to him when we’re all together, he shrugs me off coldly and then ignores me–right in front of our friends! I know they can see it if I can. I feel second-class now. I feel like I‘m just around, I’m convenient. I have no idea what’s going on in his head because he hasn’t been good at expressing himself. And that’s why I need your help! What’s going on here?
Second-Class Bess
Dear SCB,
Don’t fret over your beau being tongue-tied in the communication department. Most guys fumble over words when feelings are at stake.
There are two likely reasons he’s giving you the cold shoulder. And let’s hope it’s only one of the following , since one will leave you, eventually, searching for a new boyfriend.
Let’s deal with the potential bad news first. When a guy or a girl tells their significant other that they’re a clinger, it’s the equivalent of telling them “I need space.” And we all know what that means. In case you don‘t, let me spell it out for you. He’s bored and he‘s thinking about moving on. If he’s the passive type, then here’s what’ll happen. If he’s lost interest and he doesn’t have the nerve to break up, then he’ll keep you hanging around long enough–at a distance–until you’ll start getting frustrated and angry. You’ll inevitably be at each other’s throats soon. And eventually those arguments will give him the nerve (and justification) he needs to part ways. He might even blame it on you (“All you do is argue with me! I can’t take it anymore!”).
But most of the time, the previous scenario is a result of something you said early in your letter to me: routines. Really, are you guys that boring together? You have a day at his place and a day at your place? Your relationship is scheduled? Listen, you have to switch things up. Get out of your places and do something different once or twice a week. He could just feel bored–not with you but with the time he spends with you, which boys don’t differentiate. Change it up, and if that doesn’t pique his interests again, watch him closely to see if he’s consciously keeping a distance to make you angry. If he is, drop the bomb first.
Dear LC,
My girlfriend is being a real bitch lately. We’ve been living together for a few months, something that we really wanted to do after being in a relationship for about five months. The first month was smooth. It was nice being able to come home and have her there instead of going across town to pick her up.
But she’s starting to get on my nerves. First of all, I can’t sleep with her. She’s got some kind of twitching problem and she rocks the bed all night! I don’t think I’ve had a good night of sleep since we signed the lease. I’ve only joked around about it to her, and I’m trying to get used to it. But she’s now getting on me about keeping the apartment clean. Yes, I’m a little messy. But I’m busy all day, and when I come home I just don’t have the energy to wash dishes and pick up my clothes. And she yells at me! I feel like I’m living with my mom! I’m trying to be more responsible, and I told her I’d start contributing more. But her tone of voice is downright disrespectful. What can I do to make things peaceful?
Momma’s Little Dirty Boy
Dear Dirty Boy,
First, have you seen a licensed psychiatrist? Are you crazy or something? You’ve only known this girl for five months and then you’re signing a lease together? You can’t know enough about a person (especially how they live with someone) in just five months. And to say that you’re in a relationship with her is also tenuous. You’re still getting to know each other.
You must have slept in the same bed at least once before you moved in together. She wasn’t convulsing in her sleep then? Maybe she’s writhing in nightmares of how much of a slob you are.
You already know what to do to make her happy, Dirty Boy. Clean yourself up! It’s the twenty-first century. You’ve got to do your chores, pal. If you start picking up your laundry (and cleaning it, too), you’ll make a positive impression on her that might take the squirm out of her sleep patterns.
Have a question for the Love Consultant? Email LC at aggielovesconsultant@gmail.com. Your question may be edited for length and content and all names will be changed to protect all real identities.