The Love Consultant: Dating and Relationship Advice from Aggieland’s Love Doctor
Dear LC,
My boyfriend Rick and I started dating about two months ago. He had just split with his ex, Tricia, about three months earlier. He told me when we first met that he was once madly in love her and that it was extremely difficult to part ways. They had become more than lovers in the three years they were together, he says, and they’d formed a friendship that was deeper than love–so deep that it continues to this day. And…it does continue to this day. They are still friends.
In fact, when we first started dating, Rick asked me if I would be okay with him and Tricia talking on the phone. He insisted it was just friendship, that she was like his sister (and that’s why things got weird romantically, he says), and that nothing would ever happen between them again. I trusted him and I said no problem.
Well, that was fine for a little bit, but then Tricia started calling Rick every other day, sometimes twice a day. Sometimes I would even be with Rick as he talked with her for an hour or more. In the beginning, when I said it would be okay for him to talk with her, I didn’t think it would be this frequent. The time they spend on the phone is starting to make me feel nervous. What should I do?
Nervous Nancy
Dear Nancy,
So let me get this straight: you told you’re new boyfriend of only two months (not enough time to trust someone, by the way) that it was okay to talk with the girl he’d been swapping spit with for three years? And this is a girl that he was madly in love with at one time?
Nancy, it’s fine to be trusting. It’s okay to give people the benefit of the doubt. But most people are trusting in the right context. They have a bond of trust first, before they make allowances for scenarios like this one. Now let me clear some things up for you.
If Rick had been out of a relationship with Tricia for two years and they’d become good friends over that time, no problem. Ex-lovers do become friends sometimes. As you said, there are times when some lovers were meant to be friends all along, leading to the disintegration of the romance. In this case, he wouldn’t have had to ask you if it was alright to talk with her, maybe even see her for a coffee or lunch (with other friends present, of course). You wouldn’t have thought there was anything wrong with it and it wouldn’t have been an issue.
But Rick already told you that it was difficult to break up with her. He told you he was madly in love with Tricia. And worse, you know they just broke up only three months prior to your present relationship. And now the phone conversations are becoming more frequent, even in your presence? Nancy, are you going to be okay with Rick asking you if he can sleep over Tricia’s house and practice making babies with her? (“It’s just practice, Nancy. You trust me, right?”)
You’re only two months in. Get out. He’s not ready for you. He’s dating the two of you–her emotionally and you physically. Stop, drop and roll.
Dear LC,
My first date with Beth went better than I expected. Much better, actually. We had an amazing time together, went to a movie and then went for a nice walk in the park afterwards. We talked for a few hours, late into the night. I really felt something strong for her. We have so much in common. I was having strange thoughts, too, like that I wanted a relationship with her already. I was also really attracted to her physically. I wanted to kiss her so bad, but I didn’t. I held back, even when her eyes were telling me to just do it. I didn’t want to ruin anything and I figured if I waited, the opportunity would still be there in the future (and so would she, if I didn’t go too fast and scare her).
But…then it happened. And not in the way you’re thinking, either. I didn’t kiss her. She leaned in and kissed me! At first, softly. But then she got really crazy and started tongue-lashing me. Really forceful kisses turned into her grabbing my arms and neck, squeezing me so hard I got bruises the next day. I felt like I was being manhandled, and I hate to admit this, but it really turned me off. I think most guys would die for a date like this. But I don’t know. Something just didn’t feel right and it ruined everything. What’s the matter with me?
Role-Change Charles
Charles,
Do you still have her number? I have a friend that’ll man up to this tiger.
Just kidding. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel, at all. In fact, it’s a big turnoff for some guys when girls take the lead, often when they take the lead in ways that leave bruises. That’s pretty scary that she’d lay into you like that. But seriously, Charles, also look at this from another perspective. You already said you were smitten to the point of restraining yourself. You said you both felt something intense for one another. Maybe she just thinks you’re amazing (as you felt for her) and couldn’t restrain herself–so much that you felt it the next morning. You should be flattered.
I’d give her another date. If she’s that aggressive again and it turns you off, email her phone number to the address below. I’ve got some friends on the football team that don’t bruise so easily.
Have a question for the Love Consultant? Email LC at aggielovesconsultant@gmail.com. Your question may be edited for length and content and all names will be changed to protect all real identities.