The Love Consultant: Dating and Relationship Advice from Aggieland’s Love Doctor
Dear LC,
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year now. In the beginning, we had an active lifestyle together. We never had to make an effort to go out and do things. We’d go to movies, exercise together, go out to dinner, and visit our families together on the weekends (we’re both from Houston). In the first 8 months of our relationship, we honestly spent all of our free time together. We had so much energy for each other back then. But now…things are not the same. In fact, I feel like he dumped me a couple of months ago and started dating his computer. When we hang out together lately, I can’t get him away from his laptop. And he’s not even doing anything worthwhile on it. He’s not writing papers or looking into jobs—and we’re both close to graduating! He’s just FBing, YouTubing, that sort of thing. Even when we go to Houston, he wants to stay in his parent’s house and be on his computer. For hours! All day! We only go out once a week these days, and even when I can get him out, he’s checking the score on his iPhone the whole time. I feel like he’s eager to rush home and make out with his computer. He seems nervous and anxious when he’s away from it. What do I do to get him offline and outside with me again? Or even to be with me inside again? If something doesn’t change soon, I don’t know what I’m going to do when we graduate. Either he gets his act together or I might have to walk. From Notta Computa
Notta, You’re right. Something has changed. And normally, at this stage in the relationship—after the honeymoon phase—it’s natural for some of the butterflies to die and for the relationship to lose some of its intensity. And that’s not a bad thing at all. By eight months, you should both be settling into a “comfortable” relationship. If that were the case—if this was just a post-honeymoon cool down—then I would normally advise you to relax into the relationship and to enjoy the trusting bond you’ve both earned. But that’s not the case. It’s not normal for a guy that was once so active to prefer his computer screen to going out with his girlfriend. There are two things you should think about. First, is he depressed? Did something devastating happen to him around the time he traded you in for his laptop? If so, and if he is depressed, then anti-social behavior and anxiety are tell-tale symptoms. He’ll need his depression to be confronted, and you’re still the closest thing to him, even if you’re not on is lap anymore. Be there for him. Be understanding and reach out to him. If he’s not depressed, then he might be suffering from an Internet addiction. And Internet addictions are becoming more and more prevalent, lately. In a study conducted two years ago by the University of California, scientists found that the average American is consuming a staggering 34 gigabytes of information per day. And that’s the average! Your boyfriend is consuming terabytes! It sounds like he is addicted, especially when you write that he feels anxious when he’s away from his computer. He needs his fix. Internet addictions are sometimes brought on by depression (so don’t rule it out), but they can also develop in people that are stressed out. Surfing the web becomes a kind of procrastination, a way of putting real life situations that need attention on the back burner. You said that you’re both close to graduation? That he needs to find a job? How stressed does this make him? There are free exams online for gauging whether a person is addicted or not. Ask him, politely, to visit www.netaddiction.com and to take the free exam. (Question number three asks, “How often do you prefer the excitement of the Internet to intimacy with your partner?) But make sure you are there with him while he takes it. He might not see the depths of his webaholicism and he might not be able answer the questions truthfully. Give him a dose of reality if he needs it.
Dear LC,
I’m pretty sure I screwed up. I’ve been dating this girl in my program for 3 weeks. We’ve known each other since fall semester. We got close over time and it happened naturally because we have a lot in common. We both noticed there was something more between us recently, and one day I asked her on a date. So, after two weeks, things were going good. We were hanging out together a couple days a week, chatting online when we were not together. We haven’t done anything, no kissing and no sex. Not even holding hands.
On our last date, when I was walking her to her dorm, I turned and went in for the kiss. She backed away and blushed bright red. She said, “Whoa, horsey.” But she said it in a funny way to take edge away. Big blunder. I felt like crap. I really wanted to kiss her and I thought it was time. That was a week ago. Ever since then, when we hang out it feels really awkward. I still feel embarrassed and I think she can see that in me. I have no idea what to do now. I feel like we’re done already. It’s too awkward. But I really like her and I want be with her. What should I do?
The Kiss of Death
Kiss of Death, So you committed the first-kiss faux pas, huh? Great job, man! But you’re not alone. This is, as you say, a common blunder. And yes, you both should feel awkward now. You ruined the best thing about a new relationship: girls always remember the first kiss, and they especially remember when you screw it up. Stopping in the middle of your walk and just planting one on her lips out of nowhere startled her. She wasn’t ready for it. You don’t smack lips—especially the first time—when she’s not puckered. It’s like a sucker punch. And, ironically, she might have been ready to go to first base, but the moment for it was all wrong. It’s going to feel awkward as long as you think about it when you’re around her. Now she’s watching you closely. She’s studying you to see if you’ve lost your mojo; and if she feels like you have, then you won’t get a second chance with her. Here’s what you do: Forget she has lips. Forget that you’re attracted to her. Hang out with her as you did before you went in for the kill. Just as friends. She’s worried you’re going to try to kiss her again, so you have to take that fear out of her by being colder than an iceberg. But don’t be cold in the sense that you’re distant. I just mean put some ice cubes in your underwear, pal. She really wants to see that you have self-control. Just strip all elements of sexuality from your relations with her and be the fun guy that she hung out with before. Believe it or not, that will be attractive to her. She’ll not only think that you’re over it but also that you’re ready to move on. Before you go in for the next one, do this: hold hands first! PG-rated touch will open the doors to feeling comfortable on a physical level. And when the time is right, the kiss will happen. That’s it. It just happens. And she’ll remember it forever.
Have a question for the Love Consultant? Email LC at aggieloveconsultant@gmail.com. Your question may be edited for length and content and all names will be changed to protect all real identities.