Maroon Weekly

by Autumn Kushner

My entire life I have been deathly afraid of relationships. The only way that I have been able to be in them is to convince myself that at any time I can just walk away. I have instigated fantasies of other men, though I have not truly wanted them. I have continually dated people who I am not compatible with simply because on a subconscious level, I have been terrified of actually dating someone that could work with me. I have been told many times that my anti-relationship mentality is a defense mechanism in order to not let anyone get so close that I might trust them enough to rely on them. I have been accused on more than one occasion, quite obviously, of being a committaphobe. Growing up as the product of a single mother, I learned the importance of being independent as well as how to fight to keep my independence thriving. Losing that has always been my worst nightmare.

I went home last weekend for my step-dad’s birthday and got to speaking with him about college relationships. Part of me has always thought that young love could not prosper because identities are not fully developed and twenty- something year olds are not yet tired enough to acquiesce to compromise. He had originally gotten married in college and that relationship had failed, which solidified my views on early relationships. Knowing him the way I do, as a vibrant and independent person himself, I had often wondered at why, in the prime of his life he would give that all away and why, after the failure of his first real love, would he put himself back out there. When I asked him why, he embarked on me probably one of the most amazing pieces of wisdom I have ever encountered.

He told me that love is terrifying. Every single relationship is finite because as humans, we are finite. Every relationship that starts has to end eventually. For my step-dad, knowing that at any moment my mother and he could separate and she would be fine to go on living her life. Every day that she chooses to be with him is a blessing, the best compliment and most satisfying aspect of his entire life.

I had never thought of independence in this manner. To me, if I went in to a relationship and committed myself, which meant that I would lose my identity in that relationship. I would cease to be me and become the “we” I had always feared. I had never even dreamt that what could possibly keep my independence was my choice to actively be in a relationship and that each and every single day, that choice would prove that I was committed. Commitment, I never imagined would be active. I thought it would come slowly and force itself on me as I slowly lost my identity. But instead, I believe now that to be truly committed, you have to work hard every day to keep your identity and despite what happens, sticking with the love, regardless that it will end, especially knowing that it will end, makes you a stronger person. Without that active choice, the relationship will prove itself to be the horrific identity loss I always thought it to be.